Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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