Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
