My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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