i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
