Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
