He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
