I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
