Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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