I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i think we sleep fucked last night...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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