I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just forgot I was standing up.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
