Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
