his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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