I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
