It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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