Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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