would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
