omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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