Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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