this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
