anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
