you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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