just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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