so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
