Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
