I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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