matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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