After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
