I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
nutella sex= disaster
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
