I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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