Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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