suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
