I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
