Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
