dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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