Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
