Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
