i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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