My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
