i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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