i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
