In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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