I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
