I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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