my phone needs a breathalizer
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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