Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
