I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
