Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
