Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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