I must be too annoying 4 u.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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