Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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