FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
