My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
