That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
