only you would photoshop your dick
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
