just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
