I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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