Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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