i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
