She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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