no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
