im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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