Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
