so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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