i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
