Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize